Translators Challenge (Summer 2008)

TRANSLATORS CHALLENGE

(Summer 2008 Issue)

For this first challenge, we entered the world of wreckless, anthropomorphisized legumes and requested a translation of the following ditty:

A peanut sat on a railroad track
Its heart was all a-flutter
Along came the 6:15
Toot!  Toot!
Peanut butter

THE WINNERS

1st Place (Tie) –
Most Creative Translation

Sharon Tatro (Fukuoka)
線路の上、ピーナツマンが座っていました
Senrou no ue, pi-natsu-man ga suwatteimashita
コラゾンがドキドキ、わくわくしてて、
Korazon (Corazon= heart in Spanish) ga dokidoki, wakuwaku shitete
突然！　チャガ　チャガ、チャガ　チャガ　　　　チューチュー
Totsuzen! Chaga chaga, chaga chaga chu- chu- (choo choo)
予定どおりの電車が来て。。
Yoteidourino densha ga kite…
さよならピーナツマン
Sayonara pi-nattsu-man
ハローピーナツバター
hello- pi-natsu bata-

1st Place (Tie) –
Works Best as a Song

Mia Simring (Aichi, 2004-06)
落花生
が線路にかけて、
その心はどきどき
あらま！
汽車が来た！
ポッポ!
ピーナツの下敷き!

Rakkasei
Ga senro nikakete
Sono kokoro wa doki doki
Arama!
Kisha ga kita!
Poppo!
Pi-natsu no shitajiki!
Note from Mia:  Alternatively, the last line could be ピーナツ砕き！(Pi-nattsu kudaki!)  The last line fits the tune better, but I like the image of the peanut shitajiki as a new product at the stationery store!)

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OTHER GREAT TRANSLATIONS

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Ariel Shearman
(Ichikawa, 1994-97)
線路に座っているピーナツ
どきどきしているよ
ポーポー
電車が通った
ピーナッツバター！
senro ni suwatte iru pi-nattsu
doki doki shite iru yo
po- po-
densha ga tootta
pi-nattsu bata-!

Noriko Sakamoto (wife of Sean Sakamoto, new JET in Gifu)
ピーナッツ君が線路にぽつり
ピーナッツ君の心臓はドキドキもの
６時１５分の時が来た
ポー、ポー
ピーナッツバターのできあがり

Nancy Ikehara
(Yokohama, 1994-97)
ひとりぼっちのピーナツが車線に座り込み
ドキドキときめき
6:15時の車両がやってきて
ポーポーポーッポ！
ピーナツバター塗り塗り

Anthony Tranchina (Saitama, 1999-2001)
どきどきするピーナッツが
鉄道トラックで座り、
１８１５の電車が来て
プップー！
うまいピーナツバターになってしまった

Doki Doki Suru Piinattsu ga
Tetsudou Torakku De Suwari
1815 no Densha ga kite
Puppu-!
Umai Piinattsu bataa ni natte shimatta!

Nao (Friend of JET)
線路の上に座っていたピーナッツ。
Senro no ue ni suwatteita pi-nattsu.
緊張しつつも、ワクワクしていたピーナッツ。
Kinchoushitsutsumo, wakuwaku shiteita pi-nattsu.
時計の針が6：15分を指したとき、
Tokei nohari ga 6:15 fun wosashitatoki,
ポッポー！と汽笛の音とともにやってきた。
Poppo-! Tokitekino ototomoniyattekita.
あっという間にピーナッツバターに変身！
Attoiumani pii-nattsubata-ni henshin!

Nao’s Husband (Friend of JET)
線路の上に一粒のピーナッツ君が座っていた、
Senro no ue ni hitotsubuno pi-nattsukun ga suwatteita,
バクバクする心臓をおさえながら
Bakubakusuru shinzou wo osaenagara
ついに六時十五分発の汽車がやってきた
Tsuini rokujijyugofunhatsuno kisha ga yattekita
ポーッ　ポーッ
Po-ppo-
そして生まれ変わった、ピーナッツバター君誕生！
Soshite umarekawatta, pi-nattsu bataa-kun tanjyou!

Marie (Friend of JET)
心臓をドキドキしながら、
shinzo wo doki doki shinagara
あるピーナッツ君が線路の上に座っていた。
aru piinattsu-kun ga senro no ue ni suwatte ita
そしたら　6：15 に　シューポーポー　シューポーポー
soshitara 6:15 ni shupopo shupopo
ピーナッツバター出来上がり。
piinattsu bataa dekiagari

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THE JUDGING

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All of the submissions were excellent and are worth reading.  Many thanks to each participant for adding your own flavor to this challenge.  The basis for choosing the winner(s) was  ultimately how well they captured the spirit of the original text, maintained the sing-ability and interpreted the elements that don’t lend themselves to direct translation.

To assist, we brought in professional translator Kia Cheleen (CIR Aichi, 1996-99) to judge the submissions and provide some perspective.  Our collective comments follow below:

Sharon Tatro’s interpretation of the song was the most creative.  In particular, we appreciated (1) the use of Spanish, (2) the use of her onomatopoeia for chaga-chaga-choo-choo, and (3) “Good-bye Peanut-man.  Hello Peanut Butter.”  If we were Japanese 8-year-olds (likely the intended audience for the song), we would have giggled excessively.

Mia Simring’s submission was also chuckle-inducing and was the translation that worked the best in song form, both rhythmically and in the creative way she constructed rhymes.  Go ahead and sing it to yourself and you’ll see.

Additional comments:

Train whistle:  Most submissions used “po-po-!” or a similar variation.  It’s worth noting that while “fua-n!  fua-n!” is the proper onomatopoeia these days, if we assume the song itself comes from back in the day, then “po-po-” is the more appropriate translation for capturing the spirit of the time.

“A-flutter”:  Some submissions used waku-waku, which implies a positive form of excitement, while others went with doki-doki, which is associated more with a fear-based form of excitement.  In this case, either could be appropriate, as it is unclear if the peanut’s heart was a-flutter with the excitement of converting itself to peanut butter or a-flutter with fear of the potential for danger.  Was he being wreckless, or was he just a nut? ;-)

6:15:  To paraphrase the Beastie Boys, it’s tricky to translate a time, to translate a time that fits the rhyme.  Special props to Anthony Tranchina for Japan-izing the time to “18:15.”  But the solution for some was to circumvent the problem by simply avoiding the mention of the exact time, which was not itself crucial to the story, and referring to the yoteidouri (on-time) train, or simply stating that the train came.

Peanut butter:  The submissions also provided some thought provoking characterizations for how a peanut is converted into peanut butter.  Most interestingly, Nao’s Husband karmically delved into a birthing metaphor suggesting death and rebirth.