Apr 8

Hush Hush Keep It Down Now – Kirsten Phillips on Excess Noise in Japan

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By Kirsten Phillips (Niigata-ken, 2005-08)

Japan is known to the world at large for its countless and enduring cultural contributions from the over-appreciated 茶の湯 to the oft overlooked (but sorely missed) heated toilet seat. However, there is one thing I’d like to scrawl into every guide book; one nuance of Japan that I’d like forever engraved in the minds of curious tourists: Excess noise.

What exactly is meant by excess noise?

It’s not something one cannot become desensitized to in time. But it is yet another reminder you are no longer in Kansas.

いっらしゃいませ！For the timid/under-informed, this customary holler of welcome and professional integrity is as intimidating as a car honk. Haplessly wander into any establishment in Japan and you will have to grow accustomed to multiple people welcoming you with bellowing. At least you know you’ve got their attention? But I’ve heard some dudes get creative with their shouting. Almost made me want to inch away from all that tempting スルメ they were peddling。

Let’s not even get into election time, shall we? Oh man, oh man.

Jingles. It seems like everything in Japan from coal to second hand stores has a mind-numbing jingle to it. I bet they even have a jingle for jingles! Augh! I pitied the dudes who had to work at Off House the recycling center. I have witnessed the slack jaws and desperate gazes of Disney employees trapped in their kiosks and made to listen to the Pocahontas soundtrack on an endless loop. So, too, was the fate of the Off House worker. But the fun did not stop there. Oh no.

“Why is the food singing at me?” I wondered aloud as I stared at the onigiri. Yes! The bloody rice lumps at P5 (Supah Centah Puranto 5 to all you natives out there) had a fucking happy little song! It soon became ingrained into my pleading, whimpering little brain. My students tormented me with it without pity or reprieve. Wanna hear it? (You SO do) Here it goes:

A-I-U-E ONI-GIRIIIII (repeat 200X)
今日のおにぎりの中味は。。。？
(by the by, it was ALWAYS 梅）FTW?!

Don’t thank me. ^^

There was one for もやし which was genius. I wish I coulda been in the boardroom when some bonehead exec announced: “I’ve got a great riff for a bean sprout! No really, it’ll sell by the score!” There was one for 肉 (of all things?) which had something to do with ham soseji and the loud exclamation of “Let’s cooking!” Drove me a little bit more insane each time I heard it. At the schools, the noise was all uniform. Every school from the elementary up to the junior high had that righteously peppy tooth-brushing song. あなたの歯私の歯。I can still hear it. God, I can. still. hear. it.

The one for my local grocery chain, HARASHIN, was so irritating I wanted to drown it in a toilet. However the one for the NARUS in Tsubame finally got the memo. They used to play the “Empire Theme” on a loop. *arms up* Now that was scathingly brilliant, friends. I think they also played the Indiana Jones theme too which was perfect background for those times you had to battle your way past hordes of competitive umbrella-armed obaasan to reach the 割引 pan, hurtling over obstacles of unsupervised children and narrowly avoiding piles of artfully stacked cabbage-flavored POCKY.

The noise may be something you come to miss when you return to your silent and brooding homeland. The ATM’s no longer humbly thank you, the elevators no longer bid you farewell, the socks are all hushed. How does one tell it is 6 PM and all’s well in the inaka?

The PA system. I loved the 7 AM chime that helpfully alerted me when I needed to hustle out of bed before my ass missed the bus. At 6 PM, they would play children’s songs. 古里，浜千鳥、Eidelweiss, etc. to let you know you it was time for dinner. Do they do that in the residential areas of Tokyo or Osaka or is that just another quirk of the inaka? I don’t know but I’d like that back please.