Top Ten

Fall 2008 “Politics” Issue

Who would be a better president, McCain or Obama?  Maybe that’s the wrong question. Perhaps the focus should be on what presidency they should really be running for. And thus the question is begged, what would be…

The Top 14 Ways JETAA Would be Different If
Obama or McCain Were Your JETAA Chapter President

14. Early bird special nihongo-dake dinners

13. JETAA Delaware’s Tax-Free Shopping Day

12. Beach Boys parodies about genocide replaced by Morning Musume parodies about market turmoil

11. General skepticism about president’s claim that while on JET he “could see South Korea” from his school’s window.

10. Promises of lower noodle taxes for Joe the Ramenya-san

9. Onsen trips…in Maui

8. President shows off “maverick” side by putting tonkatsu sauce on okonomiyaki

7. Chicago deep dish served at Newsletter stuff n’ mails

6. Softball Tournament in Brooklyn replaced by Moose Hunting Tournament in Staten Island

5. Next happy hour destination: USS Intrepid!

4. Election opponent branded as a terrorist after admitted to having bought a phone card from an Iranian guy in Ueno Park in 1995

3. Uniqlo shopping spree for the veep

2. Position on yaki-niku enkai? “Grill, baby, grill!”

1. “I’m Barack Obama, and I approve this sake”

Fall 2007 – The “TRAUMA” Issue TOP 14!

A lot of crazy stuff went down while we were on JET.  Stuff that really did a number on your head.  But hey, it could’ve been worse.  And that’s why we are pleased to present you with…

THE TOP 14 TRAUMATIC THINGS THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN…BUT COULD HAVE

14.  In a bizarre mishap totaling 800 billion yen worth of damage known as the Shibuya Earthquake, over 10,000 Japanese youths in the Shinjuku Eki vicinity simultaneously select – and execute – the exact same Dance Revolution move.
13.  “Please bow deeply as I will now introduce you to your oya-bun – ah, I mean kocho-sensei.”
12.  In attempting to practice your keigo, not only did you inadvertently propose to your host father, but under local law his acceptance is binding, meaning you are now legally responsible for the care of his incontinent parents.
11.  Severe national rice famine causes JETs across the country to endure long-lasting, grueling commentary on merits of Japanese rice.
10.  Female JETs hounded relentlessly for new all-gajin version of Morning Musume, leading to nationwide catfights, backbites and broken nails.
9.  All JET contract renewals conditioned upon karaoke rendition of “My Way” in school auditorium pending vote of student body via text messaging.
8.    Out:  Sports Day.  In:  Battle Royale Day.
7.    Smiles at McDonald’s raised to 5 yen.
6.    NSA wiretapping of foreign surveillance reveals plot to overpay Americans.
5.    You are assigned to same school attended by Sailor Moon; endless monster attacks ensue.
4.    NHK collection outsourced to Yakuza; “Nihongo wakaranai” excuse no longer effective.
3.    All CIRs rendered obsolete by overturned broom with bucket for a head (wait a minute…).
2.   “Ano… ex-cuzu me tee-cha, would-o you puruezu jadge o-wa Pig Latin contesto?”
1.    Who said doing this for three years was optional???

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Summer 2007 – The “LIVING LARGE” Issue TOP 14!

Some of us loved our housing in Japan.  Others, not so much.  But what you probably didn’t know is that there’s a whole liturgy of songs on the topic.  And so after extensive
research by the Newsletter staff, we are proud to present …

THE TOP 14 COUNTRY & BLUES SONGS ABOUT LIVING IN JAPAN

14.    My Daddy Was a Yaki-imo Man
13.    Another Man’s Shoes in Your Genkan
12.    Under the Kotatsu with You
11.    My Sha-ken’s Got Me Shakin’
10.    I Got a Woman Loves the NHK Man
9.      If Only I Could Tear Down the Paper Walls of Your Heart
8.      Grab the Good Gomi and Bring it on Home-y
7.      The Ballad of Billy-Bobby Wabi-sabi
6.      The Shoji Slide
5.      I Love My Papa But I Miss My Mama-chari
4.      Beat! Beat! Beat! (That Futon)
3.      Feel So Close to You (In My Two-Tatami Apartment)
2.      Gokiburi Blues
1.       I Got a Long Drop Toilet (I Don’t Know How Deep It Goes)*

*This is actually a line from a song written by a JET alum and performed at the Chubu Block Conference talent show in 1993.

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Spring 2007 – The April “FUN OF OUR LIVES” Issue TOP 13!

As JET alums, one of the most fun things about our lives in Japan was, of course, hanami. A time to get together, eat together, drink together, sing together and … drink together. And while we’reappreciating the wabi-sabi-ness of sakura blossoms, we’re apt to say various things, which leads us to …

THE TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT JETAA NY HANAMI

10.    “I have to disagree. I think Jenn could totally take Rob one-on-one in a Presidential Throwdown.”
9.     “No, I don’t think the Naked Cowboy is a JET alum.  Why do you ask?”
8.     “Yo, Frankie!  Under da cherry blossoms I ain’t even feel like I’m in Brooklyn!”
7.     “My back hurts, Rob.  When did you say this tradition of carrying the new President on a palanquin to the Botanical Gardens got started?”
6.     “Fabulous bag!  Is that a Jetaany?”
5.     “Jenna Bush?  Yeah, I think I saw her passed out under the cherry blossoms.”
4.     “Thanks for the onigiri.  And the Sour Patch Kids aren’t a bad substitute for the umeboshi.”
3.     “Put your kimono back on!  You want everyone to see you in the JETAANY Society Page?”
2.     “I swear I’ll pay you back for all the booz, as soon as I get my Sake Scholarship money.”
1.      “Takenoko! Takenoko! No-ki-ki!”

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Summer 2006 – THE “WELCOME BACK” ISSUE TOP 13!

You can take the JET out of Japan, but you can’t take Japan out of the JET.  Not immediately anyway.  So to assist the recent returnees as theyre-adjust to life outside Japan, we have compiled …

THE TOP 13 MISTAKES MADE BY RECENT JET RETURNEES

13.     “I’ll have the minestrone and-o a garden salad.”
12.     Showing up to parties “fashionably early”.
11.     “Now that I’m back in New York I’ll finally be able to meet some nice, normal guys.”
10.     Requesting chopsticks at Katz’s Deli to eat your matzoh ball soup.
9.      “To-in-crease-e-ffi-cien-cy I re-co-mmend that-you le-ve-rage your sy-ner-gies.  Repeat after me — le-ve-rage…”
8.      Thinking that non-JETs actually are interested to hear how you (choose one) memorized 2,000 kanji/learned flower arranging/taught an entire town how to speak English.
7.      “It’s a Japanese restaurant.  Of course they speak Japanese.”
6.      Dating all correspondence as “Bush 6.”
5.     “What can go wrong?  See, we take the 6:53 train from Penn Station which gets us to Trenton exactly at 8:12 for the transfer to…”
4.     Bowing to taxis when you jaywalk in front of them.
3.     “With my sharpened my humor skills and raised confidence, I’ll be a big hit with the ladies in New York.”
2.     Walking into Famous Ray’s and ordering a slice of seaweed and squid, heavy on the corn.
1.     “Hey, check it out!  Another gaijin bar!”

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Spring 2006 – THE “RELIGION” ISSUE TOP 12!

Religion and humor are a dangerous mix.  Nonetheless, we at the Newsletter have decided to say a prayer and wonder about …

THE TOP 12 DIFFERENCES IF JETAA-NY WERE A RELIGION

12.  Reverse culture shock treated through JETAA sponsored faith healing sessions
11.  “And on the seventh day, God created the izakaya.  And God saw that it was good.”
10.   All JET alums required to make pilgrimage to Tokyu Hands
9.    Newsletter forms strategic partnership with The Gideons to access hotel distribution channel
8.    Communion changed to sake and o-senbei
7.    Holy Trinity?  Godzilla, Pokemon and the Sailor Moon
6.    Contentious split among membership over whether Ichiro or Nakata is the messiah.
5.    “Are you familiar with JET?  Why don’t you take some of our literature, and let us know if you have any questions…”
4.    JET alums worldwide riot for seven days after Newsletter publishes image of Yoku Shitteiru
3.   Live fish sacrificed and eaten in front of membership
2.   “Thou shalt not pronounce it carry-okie!”
1.   Three words: Hello Kitty Bibles

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Winter 2006 – THE “FAMILY” ISSUE TOP 12!

When you think about it, the JET Alumni Association is one big happy family.  One big organized family, really.  And we’ve got members of the Family working at various Japanese and U.S. companies and organizations, in positions to exert influence, if youwill.  Kind of makes you wonder, what would be…

THE TOP 12 DIFFERENCES IF JETAA-NY WERE AN ORGANIZED CRIME FAMILY

12. Sentences beginning “You had better…” taken more literally.
11. Bloody turf war with DC chapter over control of Pocky distribution in Philadelphia.
10. Vice-President’s responsibilities updated to include “loyalty maintenance” and “knife skills.”
9.   Punch perms make it easier to spot other JET alums around town.
8.   Article submissions to Newsletter required as “repayment for loans.”
7.   Uncontested elections for officer positions.  (Ehh?  Chotto matte…)
6.   JETAA logo design commissioned to tattoo artist.
5.   Hits outsourced to NY de Volunteer.
4.   JETAA New York quarterly “development” meetings held in basement of seedy pizza joint. (Ehh?  Chotto matte…)
3.   “You think this is omoshiroi?  Omoshiroi how?  Omoshiroi ha-ha?…”
2.   JETAA-NY informally known as the “Olayon-gumi.”
1.  Three words:  Pachinko dake dinners.

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Fall 2005 – THE “ETHICS” ISSUE TOP 10!

We’re all back, safe and sound in the good ol’ US of A, done forever with our JET experience.  And yet, some things still linger.  Things we did, or perhaps still do, that we’re not particularly proud of, that still gnaw at us, and that are …

THE TOP 10 THINGS STILL TUGGING AT A JET ALUM’S CONSCIENCE

10. Fit of drunken spending that led to 800 yen re-purchase of M.C. Hammer’s entire oeuvre on CD at the local Tsutaya.
9.  Manga-to-Newspaper Reading Ratio while in Japan:  11,625 to 1.
8.  On New Year’s, hung out with old host family from high school just for the otoshidama.
7.  Still use “Your English is good!” as pickup line – even with other Americans.
6.  Oft-repeated claims that you dug Morning Musume “for their music.”
5.  Pursued gift-war victory a bit too aggressivley with obasan next door.
4.  Charged your replacement JET 15,000 yen for boro-boro mama-chari.
3.  Overly fond memories of the Carpenters.
2.  Recurring urge to ditch family Christmas and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken in a love hotel.
1.  Could have read and repeated a bit more enthusiastically at times.

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Summer 2005 – THE “INTERPRETATIONS” ISSUE TOP 10!

When you’re interpreting or translating, not every situation can be ideal.  Every job is a new adventure and you don’t always know what you’re getting yourself into.  That’s why we present the Newsletter’s …

TOP 10 INTERPRETER/TRANSLATOR NIGHTMARES

10. “Sorry for the misunderstanding.  We just need you to do this conference witha Japanese accent.”
9.   “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work..”
8.  “And now please turn your attention to PowerPoint slide number seven hundred and sixty-eight…”
7.  “Thanks for coming to the Tokyo Trekkie Convention.  You can do Japanese to Klingon?”
6.  Finnegan’s Wake, by James Joyce
5.  “And after you’re done interpreting Mr. Fudd’s speech on Rascally Rabbits, we’ll need you to interpret for Mr. Pig.”
4.  “And we’ll start the bidding at fifty-doIhearfiftyfiftyfiftynowsixtysixtydoIhearseventy?Seventy-seventynowuptoeightyeightyeightydoIhearninety?NinetyninetyninetydoIhear…”
3.   “As our President’s father and a former President myself, I’d like to say it’s great to be back in Japan speaking to all of – BLEAAARRRGGGHHH…”
2.   “I can’t believe my eyes!!  Hulk Hogan has just body slammed Yokozuna’s interpreter, and the ref didn’t even see it!!”
1.   “Ina-sama-may, onnichiwa-kay.  Atashi-way a-way otemo-tay orokondeimasu-yay…”

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Spring 2005 – THE “MONEY” ISSUE TOP 10!

As JETAA NY prepares for eventual financial independence and seeks 501(c)(3) not-for-profit status, how it raises and uses its money becomes increasingly significant.  Therefore, to assist in the process of prioritizing, below are the Newsletter’s …

TOP 10 Suggestions for How JETAA NY Should Use Its Money

10. Construction of a West Side Sumo Stadium
9.  Shoe cream sent with every Newsletter
8.  Nihongo Dake Dinner at Masa (the rather high-end Japanese restaurant in the Time Warner Center)
7.  JETAA Development Meetings at Club Med
6.  Stretch Humvee “JETAA-Mobile”
5.  Keynote speaker at upcoming JETAA Career Forum:  Billy Graham
4.  Hostile takeover of Princeton in Asia program
3.  Pizza schmitza!  Caviar and Dom Perignon at next Newsletter stuffing
2.  Start JETAAtology religion
1.  One word:  Saketinis

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Winter 2005 – THE “GAMES” ISSUE TOP 10!

Maybe, just maybe, the Olympic Games will come to New York City in 2012.  Don’t know yet if there will many or any JETs participating.  But if our new officers have the foresight to put together the first ever JET Olympics, here are some of the events you as JET alums might be able to not only enter but perhaps win a medal in.  And so without further ado, we present to you…

THE TOP 10 EVENTS WE’D LIKE TO SEE AT THE JET OLYMPICS

10. 100 Meter Too-Small-Slipper Dash
9.  Playing Ski
8.  Karaoke Endurance Marathon
7.  800 Meter Yes-I-Can-Use-Chopsticks
6.  Cross-country Keigo
5.  Synchronized Bowing
4.  Men’s Downhill Kanji Memorization
3.  Raw Delicacy Avoidance Verbal Gymnastics
2.  Boro-boro Mama-chari Bicycle Race
1.  Cross-Cultural Jump to Conclusions

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Fall 2004 – THE “HOLIDAY” ISSUE TOP 10!

We know all the ins, outs and traditions of the big mainstream holidays.  But many of us came to also be familiar with certain alternative, more personal holidays custom designed for for JETs.  To honor these special and equally important days, he Newsletter therefore presents …

THE TOP 10 LESS PUBLICIZED JET HOLIDAYS

10. Fictional Religious Observance That Coincidentally Falls on a Friday Day
9.  Gaijin Coming of Age Day – the first day you are mistaken for a native Japanese speaker on the phone
8.  Hangover Day (Reformed) – Observed at school by teaching six class periods
7.  Superbowl Party Day – begins promptly at 8:00 a.m.  Often explained by reference to #10.
6.  Yes, A Second Jewish Holiday That’s Difficult to Explain and Sounds Completely Made Up But Just Happens to Come a Week After the Other Jewish Holiday Day (often confused with #10)
5.  Hangover Day (Conservative) – Observed at home.  Alone.
4.  Boxing Day – (Still no clue what it’s about.  Possibly related to #10.)
3.  Self-Evaluation Day – Celebrated on selected days with the questions “What am I doing here?” and “They’re paying me for this?”
2.  Career Evaluation Day – Observed the day following Self-Evaluation Day with the question “What am I going to do after this?” and concluded with the ceremonial signing of the Renewal Contract.
1.  Hangover Day (Orthodox) – Observed on the 6:08 a.m. shinkansen from Tokyo to your
inaka town.

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Summer 2004 – THE “END OF SUMMER” ISSUE TOP 14!

Sure, you might think Bush or Kerry would make a good president.  But what if they had a real job?  What if they had to go teach English in Japan?  What then, praytell, would be…

THE TOP 14 CONSEQUENCES IF BUSH AND KERRY TAUGHT ENGLISH IN JAPAN

14. Both candidates surprised to discover “Ohio” is equally popular topic of conversation in Japan
13. Kerry repeatedly insists English is “the wrong language at the wrong time” for Japan.
12. “Mission Accomplished” – Bush claims all Japanese able to speak English fluently after his one year JET stint
11. New Horizon English textbook incorporates unit on “y’all”
10. Kerry’s chin helps encourage temporary revival of “Long, long a-go” joke
9.  Tax rate reduced on foreign-earned income under $75,000.
8.  Kerry develops increased decisiveness through ancient Japanese janken technique
7.  Bush accepts JET position only on condition of team-teaching every class with Dick Cheney
6.  “Do you play Botox?”
5.  Ministry of Education gives school lunch contracts to Halliburton
4.  Kerry claims he did not flip-flop when he voted for “i” both before and after “e”
3.  Loyalty oath required for English learning
2.  “OK class, repeat after me:  Nu-kyu-lar”
1.  Live televised JETAA Presidential Debates in 2008!

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Spring 2004 – THE “POLITICS” ISSUE TOP 14!

It could happen.  One of these days one of our very own from the JET Alumni community could become President of the United States.  What would that be like, ka na…?

THE TOP 14 THINGS THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF A JET ALUM WERE PRESIDENT

14. Fifty-minute self-introduction on first day in office.
13. Press conference with Japanese media to promote internationalization and clear up confusion over ability to use chopsticks.
12. Presidential toilet seat warmer.
11. Future school history books include section on famous “I Have a Pen!” speech.
10. Vending machines with hot corn soup installed throughout White House
9.  Pre-Departure Orientation in the Rose Garden
8.  Curry rice included in public school lunch menus across the U.S.
7.  All Foreign Service language training outsourced to AEON.
6.  Inauguration Karaoke!
5.  All JETAA Chapter Reps appointed to ambassadorships.
4.  President works half days, then goes on vacation.  (Wait a second…)
3.  Spin control involves slapping Vice President on the back of the head to evoke laughter from audience and divert controversy.
2.  All policies explained very clearly, slowly and loudly.
1.  Oval Office Happy Hour!

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Winter 2004 – THE “STATE OF JETAA” ISSUE TOP 15

In this issue you’ve read about some of the excellent events and activities of other JETAA Chapters.  But what about the ones you didn’t hear about?

The Top 15 Least Successful JET Alumni Association Activities

15.  CBGB’s Rakugo Night

14.  Three-Day-Old Sushi Eating Contest

13.  Holland Tunnel Happy Hour

12.  Enka Marathon Getaway Weekend

11.  JETAA Ex-Cons Onsen Trip

10.  Host a Hostess Exchange

9.  Temp-to-Perm Career Forum

8.  Nihongo-Dake Doing-the-Chapter-President’s-Taxes Night

7.  Matsui Autograph Signing Event (special thanks to Wilbur Matsui, Shizuoka-ken, 1997-99, for filling in)

6.  “Sittin’ Seiza” Matsuri

5.  JETAA Recent Returnee Smackdown

4.  Nattou Art Festival

3.  Kabuki Karaoke Night

2.  Japan Society Lecture:  Modern Interpretations of Lyrics and Choreography of SMAP

1.  JETAA Newsletter 10,000 Envelope Licking Ceremony

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Fall 2003 – THE “WORKING FOR THE MAN” ISSUE TOP 13

With all the talk about tough job markets, you may not realize that the JET Program has endowed all of us with the requisite skills for…

The Top 13 Hot Jobs for JET Alums

13.  Yaki-im Salesman (Manhattan Region)

12.  Bouncer at a karaoke bar

11.  Tissue Pack Hander-outer

10.  Yamaguchi-gumi ALT

9.  Party clown

8.  Sushi taste tester

7.  NY Yankees rookie

6.  Louis Vitton marketing exec (still!)

5.  Talento

4.  Newsletter editor

3.  Yoshinoya cashier

2.  Professional couch surfer

1.  Bubble Burster

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Summer 2003 – THE “FATE & FAME” ISSUE

There are many things we wish we’d never said.  And yet they were destined to be said and fated to appear in this Newsletter issue.  And now destiny calls with…

The Top 14 Statements JETs Wish They’d Never Made

14.  One year’s enough for me, thanks.  I should be able to earn just as much when I get home.  (2002)

13.  Why sure, I’ve got a few moments to help you with your English while we ride the train.  (1988-2002)

12.  Hey buddy!  Yeah, you with all the tattoos!  (1993)

11.  You’re on!  Another tall glass of show-choo for me.  (Every year)

10.  See, if you hold up two fingers like this when I take the picture, all my friends back home will know that Japan’s a peaceful country.  (1987)

9.  Yamaichi Securities is giving away tamagotchis?  Heck, I guess I’ll invest all my money with them.  (1994)

8.  A delicacy?  Well then it must be good.  I’ll take a plateful.

7.  How can I explain “tv antennae”?  Let’s see.  Hand me that bowl of rice and those chopsticks… (1999)

6.  No, I’ll be fine sitting seiza for the whole tea ceremony.  “When in Rome…” I always say.

5.  Nobody really uses the word “should” in normal English.  Let’s change the phrase in the textbook to “you had better.”  (1986)

4.  My friend at Stanford wants me to invest in some yahoo computer company his friend started.  But I think I’ll just spend my JET savings on a trip to Guam when I leave.  (1997)

3.    Finally, I’ve found a “health club” in this podunk town.  And in this neighborhood of all places.

2.  I’m tired and low on cash.  Let’s just stop in at this “pub” for a cheap beer.  (1988)

1.  What you guys need for your karaoke machine are a few good Carpenters’ tunes.  Here, take my CD.  (1988)

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Spring 2003 – THE “ISSUES” ISSUE

You think we got problems now?  You don’t know nothing.  Have you even stopped to think about what JETAA NY will be dealing with in ten years?  Well, think no longer, because the JETAA NY Newsletter has already prepared…

The Top 13 Issues Facing JETAA NY In The Year 2013

13.  Reaching a consensus for the official JETAA position on impending US invasion of Japan

12.  Finding a happy hour locale with cheap drinks AND shuffleboard/gateball

11.  Increased competition for JETAA readership from the Nikkei Shinbun

10.  Restructuring of JETAA’s off-shore tax-exempt entities.

9.  Reclaiming the softball tournament after a ten-year drought.

8.  Eradicating the Asian fetish.

7.  Enforcing proper pronunciation of the word “karaoke”

6.  Working with SONY to develop the first robotic JET

5.  Coordinating efforts with CLAIR and other JETAA chapters to achieve world domination

4.  Getting tickets for the first real World Series game (Chicago Cubs vs. Chiba-Lotte Marines)

3.  Answering the ananswered question of why there are no digital alarm clocks in Japan

2.  Finally severing ties with Henry Kissinger and certain other former members of the Nixon administration

1.  Getting the Editors to publish the Newsletter on schedule

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Winter 2003 – “RIGHT BRAIN” ISSUE

Based on our incessant emails, you might think that we at the JETAA NY Newsletter had trouble obtaining article submissions for this issue. Au contraire, mis amigos.  We were, in fact, so overwhelmed with your writings that most of them, like the resumes you send to companies, went straight into the circular file.  We would, however, like to acknowledge the submissions that came close, but just missed the cut.  So, without further ado, here are:

The Top 15 Articles That Didn’t Make It Into This Newsletter

15.  Cheese Grits and the Japanese Government

14.  Hip Hop JET Diary:  “What Up, Bro?” and Other Madd Cool Expressions I Tizzaught My Students.

13.  My Favorite Temples!  A Former JET Takes Us on a Painstakingly Detailed Tour

12.  Climbing Mt. Fuji!  The Same Former JET Drags Us Up Japan’s Famous Symbol

11.  The Japanese:  Lemme Tell You About’em

10.  Zero to Hero and Back to Zero:  A Male Perspective on Reverse Culture Shock

9.  Inappropriate Origami

8.  Playing the Shakuhachi:  A Neo-Freudian Perspective on Traditional Japanese Music

7.  Obsessed with Hiragana!!!

6.  Dude, Cell Phones in Japan Are So Cool!

5.  A Revisiting of the Terrible Hardships Faced by American Caucasian Male Living in Japan

4.  Short Fiction:  How I Found the Perfect Job Through the JETAA Network

3.  Seven Great Recipes for Toast (or Flan)

2.  A Post-Modern Evaluation of Epistemological Themes in Japanese Educational Substructures

1.  JETAA’s Role in the Assassination of JFK

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Fall 2002 – “LET’S HAPPY JOB SEARCH” ISSUE

Top 10 JET Resume Descriptions:  What They Say…… And What They Really Mean

#10

• Says:  Functioned as liason for city relations and internationalization efforts.
• Means:  Got hammered with city employees and guests while singing numerous renditions of “Love Me Tender.”

#9

• Says:  Developed and designed lesson semester lesson plans for 6 junior high schools.
• Means:  Played bingo and/or hangman 6 periods per day for six straight months.

#8

• Says:  Responsible for all municipal international correspondence and communications.
• Means:  Wrote the letter to the replacement JET before going home.

#7

• Says:  Translated and edited board of education documents.
• Means:  Changed all the r’s to l’s and l’s to r’s.

#6

• Says:  Served as international representative for official and civic activities.
• Means:  Stumbled around the o-bon dance circle after consum- ing significant amounts of alcohol.

#5

• Says:  Created and designed promotional guide materials for international visitors.
• Means:  Came up with fictional names for the hodge-podge of nameless streets in my inaka town that no tourist will ever set foot in.

#4

• Says:  Initiated city-wide language study and cultural exchange program for 12 public pre-schools.
• Means:  Had to dress up and play Santa at all of the local yochiens.

#3

• Says:  Developed and taught seminar on cross-cultural teaching and communication at national JET conference for over 500 JET teachers.
• Means:  Taught foreign English teachers how to play bingo and/or hangman.  Then got ripped, down and over for three days at taxpayers’ expense.

#2

• Says: Organized and led 13 events for junior high school sports’ festival involving over 400 students.
• Means:  Did the NHK radio exercises and then outsprinted twenty 12-year olds.

#1

• Says:  Conducted presentations addressing International Relations.
• Means–  Showed a group of adults in your town pictures of your family.

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Spring 2002 – “NETWORKING” ISSUE

The Top 10 Networking Don’ts In Japan

10.  Bringing Quaker instant oats packets to a nabe party.

9.  Using meishi to remove a piece of nori from your teeth… before memorizing the person’s name and position.

8.  Saying, “Actually, I prefer my sashimi fried…”

7.  Ending enkais with a big group hug.

6.  Insisting your acquaintance respond, “Yeah, you know me!” every time you yell, “You down with L-D-P!”

5.  Attempting to facilitate an in-depth discussion of the merits of SMAP versus the Kinki Kids.

4.  Asking, “Explain to me again how Dorothy’s dog left Kansas to become the military ruler of Japan?”

3.  Sticking chopsticks in your ears when someone asks if you know to use them.

2.  Drinking out of the communal beer bottle at an enkai.

1.  Tickling a co-worker and saying, “Kootchie-kootchie-Koizumi!”