{"id":6458,"date":"2009-05-28T11:51:46","date_gmt":"2009-05-28T15:51:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/?p=6458"},"modified":"2009-05-28T13:48:37","modified_gmt":"2009-05-28T17:48:37","slug":"kirstens-world-i-dont-want-anyone-else","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/2009\/05\/28\/kirstens-world-i-dont-want-anyone-else\/","title":{"rendered":"Kirsten’s World: I Don’t Want Anybody Else"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"kpromance\"<\/p>\n

By Kirsten Phillips<\/a> (Niigata-ken, 2005-08)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Don’t be such an Aso<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I should really fucking stop reading the articles on Japan Today. Simply because the comments crack me up. A majority of them are incredibly hateful, but the vapid self-righteous immaturity just makes me lose my shit.<\/p>\n

So Aso, with superhuman speed, rescinded his statement about having kids as an “obligation” he has fulfilled. Smooth, Aso. Could you imagine Obama stumbling over that pitfall? There’d be rioting in the streets and then the Dixie Chicks would get involved…<\/p>\n

Admittedly, using such terms to describe reproduction is a bit harsh, especially for a politician.\u00a0 No woman wants to hear about her uterus placed under any guideline, especially by their supreme leader. This is not the Third Reich, after all. Politicians are icons and the populace look to icons as shining paragons who watch their mouths– or at least have their mouths watched for them. Bless Koizumi for being a politician divorced with scattered spawn– a hipster, long-haired, Elvis-loving fuck. I miss him and have a crush on him in the same way any normal person might yearn for Jean-Luc (Picard, that is.)<\/p>\n

Sorry, I digress…<\/p>\n

Anytime the government tries to dictate human behavior it inevitably fails. Look at Prohibition. How long did that jive last? However, the lack of children in Japan is a real and growing problem. How to deal with and study the causes of this issue is a task that society as a whole must address-and soon, please. Japan’s biological clock is ticking and its economic tits have already begun to sag. Nonetheless, we certainly don’t want you dudes going the way of T.Rex.<\/p>\n

I once heard a sci-fi-esque rumor that Japan was developing a robot that could care for (i.e. spoon-feed and diaper-change) the elderly to make up for the lack of young people actually staying at home and fulfilling their filial duties. Not enough kids to take care of their parents and at least robots don’t have votes. YEEP!!!<\/p>\n

The world must be peopled, Japan!* (name that Shakespearean play, geek! )<\/p>\n

You can afford it, don’t worry. Children can survive without Playstations. No really, they can. You did.<\/p>\n

By the by, this also goes for the men. Why are you not fulfilling your “obligations”, huh? Why are you working 25 hours a day and not at home handlessly massaging the missus? Hear me out, bra: Fake byo-kyu<\/em>, stay in bed, a l’il dinner, a l’il non-dancing, maybe a little DDR (whatever gets ya there), a wee bit o’ budgetary manipulating and presto, one more contender for the shougakko<\/em> mills!<\/p>\n

\"\"OR….?<\/p>\n

Ahem…?<\/p>\n

May I be of some assistance?<\/p>\n

Yes, I can show some leg.<\/p>\n

Pick me, Japan! Ohhh, pick me! I am so willing to help you populate! Just as long as you give me a sufferable mother-in-law and don’t mind petite Japanese-Jewish geeks slithering about your local MOS-BURGER. No worries, I won’t force him into a yarmulke unless he really wants to go there.<\/p>\n

Let me be your surrogate! I guarantee, I have excellent child-bearing hips, hail from a non-smoking, homicide-free environment, come with only the expected set of personality disorders and can pick up soft tofu with chopsticks! I can make usagi<\/em>-shaped onigiri<\/em> if you give me advance notice? And you can scold me for being inept at boiling rice not boxed by Uncle Ben. Pardon, it takes me more than a minute.<\/p>\n

Nonetheless, I shall willingly bear your spawn! Any takers? Anybody?<\/p>\n

Man, can’t give it away for free, can I.<\/p>\n

Which begs the question, why is it so hard for female JETS to get laaaaaaid?<\/p>\n

I am not saying this is impossible but I can tell ya, you will see a lot more Japanese girls jumping on the gaikokujin<\/em> bandwagon than the reverse. What gives, huh?<\/p>\n

Now, I did not come to Japan to find love. I came to find work. I was not looking for my paramour or soulmate; hell, the best I hoped for was an occasional, hard-won, dirty-bribe booty call. After a while, I pretty much became desensitized to the whole concept of thriving without nookie. Only when a traveling band of taiko players-<\/p>\n

-no wait, let me clarify…three taiko playing brothers<\/em>–<\/p>\n

-no, no wait- three taiko-playing, seductively-shouldered, blazing HOT<\/strong> brothers-<\/p>\n

-came passing through my town did I realize what I’d been missing out on.<\/p>\n

Such a bounty of fresh meat made me feel the famine in a baaad, naughty, disgraceful way. Not to be abysmally shallow but I have a statement I need to bring home.<\/p>\n

Dear Japanese men: You are desirable. Some of you work hard to become so, the rest may come as you are, but in the end, please realize that you have potentially the same effect on non-Japanese females. Bow-waka-chika-pow! That’s right, you’re not invisible!<\/p>\n

Am I the only \u5916\u56fd\u4eba sista out there feeling somewhat miffed, spurned, scorned and\/or shafted by Japanese Y-chromes? I know, I know, the best and the brightest leave as soon as humanely possible while the dregs stay behind in the inaka. This is commonplace in many countries. However, I noticed that few of my male ALT acquaintances ever had to look TOO hard (and some of these dudes were real, um, “prizes”) to score a date. I, on the other hand, lived like a nun in a cloister: Solitary. Celibate. I hated it. (*name that musical, nerds.)<\/p>\n

Could it be that the destinies of Japanese sons are more strictly ordained by the heavens? While it seemed perfectly acceptable for daughters to stay behind and date foreign men, or go abroad and study (i.e., date foreign study partners), is the male Japanicus Domesticus <\/em>policed solely by their societal expectations\/mommies & daddies? Or maybe they’re…just not that into me?<\/p>\n

Rubbish! I’m fetching and bi-lingual once you get a few carefully-paced drinks in me. I trust my assets to do the rest of the talking where my estimable grammar fails.<\/p>\n

Whatever the case, I still felt there were at least 3 or 4 Japanese girls to every guy in my dating bracket. But what to do? Most of the men my age had all moved on to bigger and brighter boobs\/jobs\/cities than Kashiwazaki had to offer. What little flirting skill I had culled in my youth became stunted after dwelling so long among the “in-crowd” over 50. Not that these gentlemen were ever taken in by my rapier wit and sharp tongue ring to begin with. Talking made them nervous. \u5408\u30b3\u30f3 was just me and the Kashiwazaki \u6d88\u9632\u3002 Unmarried firemen in their 40’s. Had I hit the jackpot or what? We listened to the same oldies and got drunk on way too much calpis<\/em> soda with our squid guts. It was downright Bacchanal.<\/p>\n

On a side note…<\/p>\n

How many people find it absolutely jive that a Japanese woman can speak two languages fluently, study abroad, gain experience to further her career… and find that this actually works against her when landing a date? I don’t know if this is just an affliction of the inaka <\/em>breeds or what, but a beauty with talent, intelligence and the balls to order coffee in English is a rare bird indeed. However, the ones I knew normally had to keep this classified from the male they intended on shtupping<\/em>, cuz once he caught wind that she had more worldly gains than him? He tended to drop her like some STD. I’m not saying this is always the case, but the notion is repulsive.<\/p>\n

Jive. Jive. Jive.<\/p>\n

But the bottom line, the hard core and stymie numero uno to my finding Prince Charming in Japan was that it was sometimes hard to know yourself and your motivations in such displaced circumstances. That, and you were often pulling OT. Date? Whuzzat?<\/p>\n

Many ALTs have had to deal with our Japanese co-workers and friends putting us on a pedestal. Hell, the guidebook had an entire chapter devoted to keeping things real in your noodle. If you’re in Japan simply to feel cool (and the everlasting adoration of mobs of sweet cherubs is enough for me) and get more dates than usual, it’s advised that you heavily reassess your motivations for being in Japan, to say nothing of your ego.<\/p>\n

\"kpharlequin\"I constantly had to deny, evade and divert praise. All modesty aside, I actively went outta my way to try and disprove any inflated image of me. I am NOT that cool. I am not so much \u9762\u767d\u3044 I am me, potentially \u30c0\u30b5\u30a4 and I just might bore ya. I was certainly not going to do this by behaving ludicrously? Nonetheless, just because I am American living in the inaka<\/em>, this does not make me exciting. Different, perhaps? Better than you or her? No fucking way. It is much too easy to fall victim to the rock star image and constant ego-stroking that hounds JETS. I wonder, do Japanese people receive the same wide-eyed wonder in Nebraska? Is it assumed they are all ninjas? If so, I hope more than one of them has used such ignorance to their advantage. However, I can honestly say it disgusts me when Joe Average (or Jenny Dull) goes to Japan and actually starts believing they are made of awesome simply because they are the odd man out. Nah-uh, dude. Keep it real. When you go home, you’ll still be you. ^^ Unless, of course, you learn something new.<\/p>\n

Kashiwazaki did have one fellow (yup, just one) who was not illegally younger than myself. We laughed, had good times, made merry, held eachother when necessity arose and come April of my third year I found myself dumped and ignored right on schedule as though I were some mistake he’d made.<\/p>\n

Dude forgot to check my expiration date. Best used by 08\/08.<\/p>\n

So he couldn’t handle me leaving and I got shafted. Nice. Oh well, we all need our heart broken once. I saw many of my friends leaving their beloveds behind. Those who stayed made honest ladies of their companions and were wed. The rest broke hearts up and down our fishy little coastline. I’d be bitter and say that’s probably more action than dudes like that ever saw back at home, but then I’d be making blatant generalizations. Too much Goofus, not enough Gallant.<\/p>\n

To all you eligible gentlemen out there with a passion for tarako<\/em> and appreciation for brown rice tea: I don’t mind that perhaps in one phase of your life your dream was to be a Gundam pilot. We were still meant to be. My tower is easy to scale.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Kirsten Phillips (Niigata-ken, 2005-08) Don’t be such an Aso. I should really fucking stop reading the articles on Japan Today. Simply because the comments crack me up. A majority of them are incredibly hateful, but the vapid self-righteous immaturity just makes me lose my shit. So Aso, with superhuman speed, rescinded his statement about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writers"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pkZ7m-1Ga","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6458"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6458\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6464,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6458\/revisions\/6464"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jetwit.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}